Recognizing the Signs of Coercive Control: How to Protect Yourself from a Sexually Abusive Relationship
Sexual violence isn’t always physical—it can start with psychological control.
Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that manipulates, isolates, and traps victims in harmful relationships. Since it’s often subtle, many women don’t realize they’re experiencing it until the damage is deep. For Sexual Violence Prevention Month, let’s break down what coercive control looks like, why it’s dangerous, and how to seek help in Canada.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that strips away a person’s freedom through intimidation, humiliation, and psychological manipulation. Unlike physical abuse, it’s harder to recognize because it operates in the shadows—through words, threats, and controlling daily life.
Key tactics include:
✔ Isolation – Cutting you off from friends, family, or support networks.
✔ Monitoring – Tracking your phone, emails, or social media.
✔ Gaslighting – Making you doubt your memory or sanity.
✔ Financial control – Restricting access to money or employment.
✔ Threats & intimidation – Using fear to ensure compliance.
✔ Sexual coercion – Pressuring or guilt-tripping you into unwanted sexual acts.
(Sources: Women’s Aid UK, Healthline)
Here’s how these key tactics play out in real-world situations:
1.Isolation
What it looks like:
"My partner insists on moving us to a remote town, far from my family, saying it’s for a 'fresh start.' But when I mention visiting friends, they guilt-trip me: 'You’d rather see them than me?'"
"Every time I make plans with my sister, my partner suddenly 'gets sick' or picks a fight so I cancel."
"They badmouth my best friend, saying she’s 'toxic,' until I stop talking to her altogether."
Why it’s dangerous: Isolation makes you dependent on the abuser and cuts off lifelines to support.
2. Monitoring and Surveillance
What it looks like:
"My spouse demands my phone password 'in case of emergencies,' but then checks my texts and accuses me of flirting with coworkers."
"They install a tracking app on my car 'for safety,' but freak out if I deviate from my usual route home."
"They log into my social media and delete messages from male classmates, saying they’re 'protecting me.'"
Why it’s dangerous: Constant surveillance creates paranoia and destroys privacy.
3. Gaslighting
What it looks like:
"When I confront them about yelling last night, they insist, 'You’re exaggerating—I was just stressed.' They make me question if I imagined it."
"They hide my keys, then accuse me of being 'forgetful' and 'irresponsible.'"
"They swear they never threatened to leave me, even though I heard it clearly. They say, 'You’re too sensitive—that’s your anxiety talking.'"
Why it’s dangerous: Gaslighting erodes your trust in your own memory and judgement.
4. Financial Control
What it looks like:
"They insist I quit my job 'to focus on the family,' but then give me an 'allowance' and demand receipts for every dollar spent."
"They open all my mail and interrogate me about a $10 coffee, saying I’m 'bad with money.'"
"They refuse to add my name to the mortgage, leaving me with no legal claim to our home."
Why it’s dangerous: Financial abuse traps victims, making escape seem impossible.
5. Threats and Intimidation
What it looks like:
"When I mention leaving, they say, 'You’ll never see the kids again—I’ll make sure of it.'"
"They ‘joke’ about hurting my pet if I don’t obey them."
"They threaten to share intimate photos of me if I break up with them."
Why it’s dangerous: Fear keeps victims silent and compliant.
6. Sexual Coercion
What it looks like:
"They pressure me into sex by saying, 'If you loved me, you’d want to.' When I say no, they sulk for days."
"They wake me up for sex and get angry if I refuse, saying, 'You’re my wife—it’s your duty.'"
"They guilt-trip me: 'I had a terrible day, and this is the only thing that will help me relax.'"
Why it’s dangerous: Coerced sex is still sexual violence, even without physical force.
Am I Experiencing Coercive Control?
Many women dismiss these behaviors as "normal" relationship issues or blame themselves. But coercive control always escalates. The goal isn’t just to influence you—it’s to dominate every aspect of your life.
If any of these examples feel familiar:
Trust your gut. You’re not "overreacting."
Ask yourself:
Do I feel like I’m “walking on eggshells”?
Has my partner ever punished me for saying no to sex?
Do I need permission to see friends, spend money, or make decisions?
Do they blame me for their behavior?
If you answered yes, you may be in an unsafe dynamic.
(Source: Women’s Aid Survivor’s Handbook)
How Coercive Control Connects to Sexual Violence
Coercive control is not just about "getting what the abuser wants" in the moment—it’s a long-term strategy to dominate and dehumanize their partner. When it intersects with sexual violence, the goal is total psychological and physical control.
Why do abusers use coercive control?
Abusers don’t act out of "anger issues" or "loss of control." Their behavior is calculated and purposeful, designed to:
1.Establish Power and Ownership
"They believe they’re entitled to your body, time, and obedience."
Coercive control enforces the idea that you are their property, not an equal partner.
Example: An abuser who monitors your location doesn’t do it out of "concern"—they do it to eliminate your autonomy.
2. Destroy Resistance
Sexual coercion isn’t just about sex—it’s about breaking your ability to say no.
Over time, victims may stop resisting because they’re exhausted, afraid, or convinced it’s "easier to comply."
Example: If an abuser wears you down with guilt ("You’re selfish for refusing"), you may eventually give in just to avoid conflict.
3. Maintain Dependency
By isolating you, controlling finances, and undermining your confidence, they ensure you can’t leave.
Sexual control reinforces this: if they dictate when, how, and why you engage in intimacy, they own your body.
Example: An abuser who demands sex as "proof of love" makes you feel responsible for their emotional state.ust to avoid conflict.
4. Avoid Accountability
Unlike physical violence, coercive control is harder to prove.
Abusers manipulate situations to make victims blame themselves ("I shouldn’t have upset him").
Example: If they pressure you into sex after a fight, they might later claim, "You wanted it—you were all over me."
(Sources: Women’s Aid UK, Psychology Today)
Can an Abuser Change Their Behaviour?
This is a complex and controversial question. Here’s what research and experts say:
1.Most don’t stop without intervention
Abusers rarely change on their own because the system works for them—they get what they want.
Without consequences (legal, social, or personal), they have no incentive to stop.
2. Change requires full accountability
Genuine change means:
Admitting the abuse without excuses ("I did it because I could").
Committing to long-term therapy (e.g., abuser intervention programs).
Accepting that the victim may never trust them again.
Most abusers won’t do this—they minimize, blame, or claim they’re "cured" too quickly.
3. Warning signs of ‘fake’ change
"Love-bombing" (excessive apologies, gifts, promises).
"I’ll change if you stay" (making their behavior your responsibility).
"You’re too sensitive" (still dismissing your feelings).
Bottom line: While some abusers can change, it’s extremely rare—and survivors should never wait around hoping for it.
(Sources: The Hotline, Psychology of Violence Journal)
How to Spot Early Signs of an Abuser (Before Escalation)
Abusers test boundaries early. What starts as "clingy" behavior can escalate into full coercive control. Trust your gut—if something feels off, it probably is. By recognizing early red flags, you can protect yourself before the behavior escalates into full-blown abuse. Remember: Healthy love never requires you to sacrifice your freedom, safety, or peace.
Here are key warning signs to watch for in a partner’s behavior:
1. Excessive Charm and Love-Bombing
They rush intimacy—declaring love, future plans, or intense commitment too soon.
They overwhelm you with gifts, texts, or attention, making you feel "special" at first—but it can quickly turn into control.
Example: "I’ve never felt this way about anyone before" (said after only a few dates).
2. Testing Boundaries
They push small limits to see how much you’ll tolerate (e.g., showing up uninvited, pressuring you to skip plans).
They react with anger, guilt-tripping, or silent treatment when you say no.
Example: "If you really cared, you’d cancel your girls’ trip to spend time with me.”
3. Isolating Behaviours
They subtly criticize your friends/family ("They don’t understand us") or demand all your free time.
They frame isolation as "us against the world" or "I just want you to myself."
Example: "Your best friend is so dramatic—why do you even talk to her?" with me.”
4. Controlling Disguised as "Protection"
They insist on tracking your location "for safety" or monitoring your social media "because they care."
They question your decisions (clothing, career choices) under the guise of "looking out for you."
Example: "You shouldn’t wear that dress—guys will stare at you."
5. Unpredictable Mood Swings
They switch between extreme affection and cold withdrawal to keep you off-balance.
You find yourself constantly trying to "manage" their emotions.
Example: One day they’re adoring, the next they ignore you for minor "mistakes."
6. Entitlement to Your Body
They make jokes about your past relationships or imply you "owe" them physical affection.
They guilt-trip or punish you for refusing sex ("I guess you don’t find me attractive").
Example: "If we’re dating, why won’t you send me nudes? Don’t you trust me?"
Scripts for Setting Boundaries with a Potentially Abusive Partner
Setting boundaries with someone who exhibits controlling tendencies can feel intimidating—especially if they react with anger, guilt-tripping, or dismissal. These clear, firm scripts help you assert your limits while staying safe.
1. When They Invade Your Privacy
Their Behavior: "I need your phone password. If you have nothing to hide, why won’t you give it to me?"
Your Response:
"My phone is private, just like yours. I don’t have to share passwords to prove I’m trustworthy."
"If you keep insisting, we need to talk about why you don’t trust me." (Flip the accountability onto them.)
2. When They Isolate You from Friends/Family
Their Behavior: "Your friends don’t like me. You shouldn’t see them so much."
Your Response:
"My relationships are important to me. I won’t stop seeing people I care about."
"If you’re uncomfortable with my friends, let’s discuss why—but I won’t cut them off."
3. When They Monitor Your Movements
Their Behavior: "Why were you late? You should text me every time you’re not where you said you’d be."
Your Response:
"I don’t owe you constant updates. I’ll let you know if I’m running late, but tracking me isn’t okay."
"If you’re worried about my safety, we can agree on check-ins—but not control."
4. When They Guilt-Trip You About Sex
Their Behavior: "If you loved me, you’d want to. You’re so selfish."
Your Response:
"Love isn’t about obligation. If I say no, it means no."
"Pressuring me isn’t love—it’s coercion. We need to talk about this."
5. When They Gaslight You
Their Behavior: "You’re overreacting. That never happened."
Your Response:
"I know what I experienced. I won’t argue about my reality."
"If you can’t respect my feelings, this conversation is over." (Then disengage.)
6. When They Punish You with Silence or Anger
Their Behavior: Ignores you for days after a disagreement.
Your Response:
"If you need space, say so—but silent treatment isn’t healthy."
"When you’re ready to talk calmly, I’m here. Until then, I won’t chase you."
Boundaries are not negotiable in healthy relationships. If your partner refuses to respect them, it’s a sign of deeper control—not love. If you fear retaliation, prioritize safety over confrontation. Use neutral language ("I’m not comfortable with that") and confide in a trusted person. And be sure to document threats or aggression by saving texts, emails, or voicemails as evidence.
How to Protect Yourself and Seek Help: Safety Strategies for Unsafe Relationships
If you recognize signs of coercive control in your relationship, your safety is the priority. Here’s how to protect yourself—and, if needed, plan a non-confrontational exit.
1. Start With Subtle Safety Measures
If you’re not ready to leave yet (or aren’t sure you need to), take quiet steps to protect yourself:
Keep a private journal (digital or paper) documenting incidents, including dates and details. Store it somewhere secure, like a password-protected app or a trusted friend’s house.
Save screenshots of threatening messages, emails, or social media interactions. Back them up to a cloud account your partner can’t access.
Set up a separate email or phone for sensitive communications, like reaching out to shelters or lawyers. Use a device your partner doesn’t check.
2. Build a Support Network—Carefully
Isolation is an abuser’s greatest weapon, so reconnect with people you trust, but do it discreetly:
Confide in someone safe—a friend, family member, or coworker who won’t pressure you into action before you’re ready. A simple script: "I’m going through something difficult in my relationship. Can I talk to you about it without judgment?"
Use code words with your support system. For example, agree that texting "Can we reschedule coffee?" means "I need help immediately."
Avoid couples counselling if you suspect abuse. Mediation with an abuser can backfire—seek individual therapy instead.
3. Prepare Financially (Without Raising Suspicion)
Financial control keeps many survivors trapped. If possible:
Stash small amounts of cash in a hidden spot, or ask a trusted friend to hold money for you.
Gather important documents (ID, passport, bank info) and store copies digitally or with someone safe.
Open a separate bank account if you can, ideally at a different bank than your shared one.
4. Plan a Non-Confrontational Exit
If you decide to leave, avoid announcing it in advance—the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abuser senses they’re losing control. Here’s how to go quietly:
Leave when they’re not home (at work, out with friends) to avoid confrontation.
Take only essentials (ID, medications, a change of clothes) if you’re in a hurry. The rest can be replaced.
Use a "go bag"—a small, hidden backpack with cash, keys, and important contacts (like shelters or helplines).
Call a crisis line (e.g., Assaulted Women’s Helpline at 1-866-863-0511) to discuss safe exit strategies tailored to your situation.
5. After Leaving: Stay Vigilant
Block them on everything—phone, email, social media—and adjust privacy settings.
Notify work, school, or building security if you’re concerned they’ll try to find you. In Canada, you can also apply for a restraining order (provincial laws vary; a shelter or legal aid clinic can guide you).
Trust your instincts. If something feels unsafe, it probably is.
Remember:
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for prioritizing your safety. If you’re hesitating because you’re worried about their feelings, ask yourself: Did they ever worry about mine? On a final note: leaving is the most dangerous time, so if you’re unsure, call a helpline first. They can help you create a personalized plan—because your safety matters most.
Help is available—you don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to:
ShelterSafe.ca (to find a nearby shelter)
211 (for local resources)
Ending Violence Association of Canada (for legal and emotional support)
Mental Health Professionals (in your area)
Coercive Control is Abuse - and It’s Not Your Fault.
It’s important for survivors to know that coercive control is never their fault—no one provokes it, because abuse is always the abuser’s choice. You cannot fix or change an abuser; their behavior is their responsibility, not yours to manage. If you’re experiencing this, remember that help is available—in Canada, organizations like ShelterSafe and Ending Violence Association of Canada (EVA Canada) provide confidential support, OR you can contact a mental health professional - specializing in abusive relationships for support. Ultimately, coercive control is not a relationship issue but an abuser’s problem, rooted in power, not love. If you’re questioning your relationship, reach out. You deserve safety, respect, and freedom.
If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And sometimes, love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
