What’s normal?

We all have emotional ups and downs - ‘rough patches’ as we usually call them - life changes, events or situations that put stress and strain on our partnerships. These are normal relationship challenges. In most cases, with work, commitment, and a willingness to adapt with your partner - you can usually figure things out together.

But what happens if these ‘rough patches’ turn into rough weeks, months or even years? What happens if you can’t work through or get past something with your partner?

Relationships continue to grow over time and need care and maintenance to stay healthy and strong. When we neglect the ‘issues’ in our relationships, they fester. That ‘patch’ starts to spread and before you know it, a once healthy relationship becomes weak and fragile. But there is a way to bring life back to your relationship.

When and how to seek help.

Trust your gut. You know something is wrong.

Partners in counselling usually report that they feel unseen, misunderstood and that their needs are not being met. They may be hurt, lonely, and feel hopeless to improve the relationship. When couples are not responsive to each other’s emotional and/or physical needs, that’s a sign of partners that are not attuned and are suffering. If you’re suffering, it’s time to get some help.

There is no ‘too soon’ for counselling.

Nothing is more important in our lives than our relationships and therapy can be useful at any stage. Whether you’re at the beginning stages of a relationship and struggling; or starting a new chapter in your partnership (like children); are struggling with sexual intimacy; or have disagreements about fundamental beliefs or habits, all of these are good reasons to seek out couples / marriage counselling.

Most issues within a couple start small and then grow in size until they get resolved. Couples shouldn’t wait until they are in crisis mode to come to therapy. Rather than viewing therapy as the solution to crisis, look at it as a integral aspect of a healthy life.

It’s going to be okay.

For some partners, saying ‘yes’ to therapy is hard.

We all come to our relationships with certain beliefs and expectations. These arise from current and past circumstances, our families of origin, cultural values and social messages. Oftentimes, the behaviours and habits that don’t work well in a relationship are difficult to change because we attempt to protect the parts of ourselves that feel threatened.

How you approach the topic of therapy with your partner can make a difference.

Talk with your partner extensively about why you’re feeling you’d like to get into couples counselling. Don’t just spring it on them and insist they go. If they are still hesitant, there is no reason why you cannot attend therapy on your own. Therapy can help strengthen your own self-improvement and personal growth. Your partner might become view these positive changes as worthwhile and decide to pursue therapy after all.

You are not a failure as a couple if you and your partner need professional help.

The ultimate goal of couples / marriage counselling is to help each partner achieve a sense of safety, satisfaction, and comfort in the relationship. If you’re worried your relationship has reached a point of no return, counselling can be an opportunity to explore and learn new ways of communicating with each other, seeing and being with each other. Through therapy, couples can learn how to relate in different ways as they work towards creating a nurturing, respectful and mutually satisfying relationship.

If your relationship is being threatened, you have to fight for it.

If ‘what’s wrong’ in your relationship is holding you and your partner back from achieving a deeper level of intimacy or bringing unhappiness, that’s not ok. If you’re confused or in pain from your relationship, this can change. Understanding where the conflict is coming from and working on it as a team with the help of a caring and skillful therapist, can help.

If your relationship is abusive and your safety is as risk, you have to tell someone.

It can be very challenging at the beginning of a relationship to know if someone is abusive or will turn violent - and it’s important that you not feel responsible or shame. If you feel unsafe or uncomfortable to address issues with your partner, or your partner is overly dismissive or defensive of their behaviour - this may signal trouble in the future. Both partners must be willing to change and if only one partner is invested in creating healthy patterns, there is unfortunately, little likelihood that change will occur.

If you are in an escalating abusive or violent relationship, it is important to get help from experienced professionals who can guide you. The most important thing - especially if children are involved - is your safety.