When Change is Chosen vs. When Change Is Not - Grief and Adaptation
September is often framed as a season of fresh starts. New backpacks. New routines. New possibilities. It is a time when many people are making deliberate changes—going back to school, starting a new job, or finally committing to a long-held goal.
But not all transitions are chosen. And for those navigating the unwelcome kind, the emotional weight can feel entirely different.
This post explores the difference between chosen and unchosen transitions—and how to cope with both. Because whether you are stepping into a change you have longed for or reeling from one you never expected, understanding the emotional terrain can help you move through it with greater self-compassion.
The Emotional Landscape of Chosen Change
Even when we choose a transition, it is rarely easy. You can be thrilled about a new job and still grieve leaving colleagues you love. You can be excited about moving to a new city and still mourn the comfort of your old neighbourhood. You can be relieved to end a relationship and still feel sadness for the life you imagined.
Chosen changes often come with a sense of agency, which can make them feel more manageable. But they also come with their own kind of stress. Research from Statistics Canada highlights that major life transitions—even positive ones—can be accompanied by significant emotional distress, particularly when they involve shifts in identity, roles, or routines.
One reason is that change, even when chosen, disrupts our sense of stability. We lose the familiar script, even if we wanted a new one. And with that loss comes a form of grief—the grief for what we are leaving behind.
When Change Is Not Chosen: The Weight of Unwelcome Transitions
Unwelcome changes hit differently. A sudden job loss. An unexpected health diagnosis. The end of a relationship you thought would last. A move you did not want. The death of someone close. A loss of income or a change in financial circumstances.
These transitions often arrive with little warning. They disrupt our sense of safety, our plans for the future, and sometimes our very identity. Unlike chosen changes, where we have time to prepare and adapt, unchosen changes can feel like a violation of the life we were building.
Statistics Canada data from the pandemic period illustrates this clearly. Canadians who experienced a loss of job or income—a classic unchosen transition—were significantly more likely to report emotional distress, challenges in personal relationships, and difficulty meeting financial obligations. Among those who screened positive for a mental health condition like major depressive disorder or generalized anxiety disorder, 39% had experienced a loss of job or income, compared to 21% of those without such conditions.
There is often grief attached to these transitions that goes beyond the immediate loss. It is the grief for the life you thought you would have. The grief for the identity you held. The grief for the security you once felt.
The Grief of Unchosen Transitions: Understanding Complicated Grief
The Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) describes grief as the experience of loss—a normal and natural response.
But when the loss is sudden, unexpected, frightening, or the result of trauma, grief can become more complicated. It can be harder to process, harder to share, and harder to move through.
This is especially true for transitions that involve multiple layers of loss. A job loss, for example, is not just about the income. It can also mean the loss of daily structure, social connection, a sense of purpose, and an identity tied to work. Similarly, a relationship ending can involve the loss of a partner, the loss of shared plans, the loss of connection to in-laws or mutual friends, and sometimes the loss of a home or a lifestyle.
How to Cope With Unchosen Change
While the grief of unchosen transitions is real, it is possible to move through it in ways that support your mental health. Here are some strategies grounded in evidence and Canadian mental health practice:
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
There is no timeline for processing an unwelcome change. Give yourself enough time and recognizing that your life has changed. This might mean allowing yourself to feel sadness, anger, confusion, or even relief alongside the loss. Grief is not linear, and it is not neat.
Connect with Caring and Support People
Isolation can deepen the impact of unchosen change. Now is the time to connect with loved ones, friends, neighbours, co-workers, or even a support group. In one Ontario CMHA grief program, staff noticed that people were "so appreciative to have a space where they can show up and be the person that they are and be in the mess of being human".
Take Care of Your Physical Health
Grief can manifest physically, so be aware of signs of stress or illness and speak with a doctor if grief is affecting your health. Simple acts like eating regularly, moving your body, and trying to sleep can help stabilize your nervous system during a turbulent time.
Recognize the Full Scope of the Loss
Unchosen changes often involve secondary losses. If you have lost a job, you may also have lost a sense of purpose. If you have lost a relationship, you may have lost your sense of identity. Naming these deeper losses can help you process them and begin to rebuild.
Work Through Difficult Feelings
Bitterness, blame, and regret can be heavy burdens. Working through these feelings—whether through journaling, therapy, or conversation—can help you move forward. This is not about pretending the loss did not matter; it is about not letting it define your future.
Reach Out for Professional Help
Counselling can be a vital support. There is no shame in seeking this support.
Navigating Life's Crossroads: Scenarios of Chosen and Unchosen Change
Through the following scenarios, we explore how Canadians of different ages navigate both chosen and unchosen transitions, the unique challenges each presents, and the paths they have found forward.
Scenario 1: A Young Couple's First Baby (Chosen Change)
The Transition: Sarah and Alex, a young couple in their late twenties living in Toronto, have been planning for their first child for over a year. They have read the books, attended the prenatal classes, and prepared the nursery. When their daughter, Maya, arrives, they are overjoyed.
The Emotional Reality: Despite being a deeply wanted change, the transition to parenthood brings unexpected challenges. Sarah and Alex are exhausted. Their relationship has shifted from partners to co-parents. Their identities feel newly defined—no longer just professionals, friends, or partners, but "parents." The loss of their former freedom, spontaneity, and sleep is real, even while they are grateful.
How They Found Their Way Forward:
Giving Themselves Permission to Grieve: Sarah and Alex learn that it is okay to miss their old life while loving their new one. They acknowledge the loss of their previous routines without guilt. The Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada, notes that "it's normal and healthy to talk about the challenges and joys of parenting" and that "it's okay to feel more than one emotion at a time" .
Building a New Rhythm Together: They create a "new normal" that includes small daily anchors—an evening walk with the stroller, a weekly takeout night, and a shared commitment to checking in with each other emotionally. This helps them reconnect as partners, not just as parents.
Reaching Out for Support: They join a local "new parents" group through their community health centre in Toronto, where they connect with other young parents navigating the same transition. They learn that "it's okay to ask for help," a message echoed by Canadian mental health organizations.
The Outcome: Sarah and Alex gradually adjust to their new roles. They learn to hold the joy and the exhaustion together. While the transition was chosen, they recognize that growth comes from adapting, not from pretending everything is easy.
Scenario 2: A 40-Year-Old Mother's Breast Cancer Diagnosis (Unchosen Change)
The Transition: Jennifer, a 40-year-old mother of two in Vancouver, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. The news is sudden and shocking. Her whole world has shifted in a single doctor's appointment.
The Emotional Reality: This is an unchosen change that brings immediate, profound grief. Jennifer is not only facing a health crisis but also worrying about her job, her finances, her children, and the future she had imagined. Fear, anger, and sadness are constant companions.
How She Found Her Way Forward:
Allowing Herself to Feel the Grief: Jennifer gives herself permission to grieve—the loss of her health, the loss of control, the loss of the future she had envisioned. She recognizes that grief is not a sign of weakness but a natural response to a life-altering event.
Finding a Strong Support Network: Jennifer connects with the Canadian Cancer Society and a local breast cancer support group in British Columbia. She learns that sharing her story with others who understand the weight of the diagnosis helps her feel less isolated. The support from her family and friends is also a lifeline—they help with childcare, meals, and simply being present.
Focusing on What She Can Control: While Jennifer cannot control the cancer, she focuses on what she can: attending her treatments, nourishing her body, and making time for the activities that bring her peace. She is an active participant in her own care.
Taking It One Day at a Time: The emotional and physical burden of treatment can be overwhelming. Jennifer learns to take things day by day—or even hour by hour—and to be gentle with herself. She allows herself to rest without guilt.
The Outcome: Jennifer's journey is ongoing, but she has found a new inner strength. She has deepened her appreciation for her family and discovered a community of support she never knew existed. The unchosen transition has reshaped her life, but it has also revealed her resilience.
Scenario 3: When Children Leave for Post-Secondary School – The Empty Nest (Chosen and Unchosen Change)
The Transition: For many Canadian parents, the moment their youngest child leaves home for university or college is a significant milestone. For some, it is a chosen change—a natural progression they have anticipated. For others, it feels more unchosen, arriving with a suddenness that leaves them feeling unmoored.
This is the story of two different families in Calgary.
Family A (Chosen Shift): For Margaret and her husband, their son's departure for university is a joyful milestone. They have always supported his independence and are excited for his next chapter. They are ready to shift their focus to travel, new hobbies, and spending more time with friends. They choose to view the transition as a time of renewal for their marriage and themselves. They actively invest in their own interests, something they had postponed during their children's younger years.
Family B (Unchosen Weight): For Susan and her partner, their daughter's departure feels like a painful loss. They have built their lives around their children's activities and schedules, and the house feels silent and empty. Susan is surprised by the depth of her grief—a feeling she did not anticipate and feels guilty for having. "I knew she would leave someday, but I didn't expect it to hurt this much" . She finds herself struggling with a profound loss of identity and a deep sense of loneliness.
How They Found Their Way Forward:
For Family A: They embrace the empty nest. They take weekend getaways, reconnect with old friends, and have open conversations about their new life together. They find renewal in the quiet.
For Family B: Susan allows herself to grieve. She gives herself permission to say that she misses her daughter's daily presence. She and her partner have difficult but honest conversations about their marriage and their new reality. She joins a "parent support group" through the Calgary Women's Centre, where she connects with others who are navigating the same transition. She discovers that "there are many supports for parents of adults" and that she is not alone.
The Lesson: The empty nest transition is a powerful reminder that the same event can be experienced very differently depending on the emotional landscape of the parents. What matters is giving yourself permission to feel, and finding the right support—whether that is counselling, community groups, or simply honest conversations.
Scenario 4: Seniors Decide to Downsize and Move to a Retirement Home (Chosen and Unchosen Change)
The Transition: For many seniors in Canada, the decision to move into a retirement home or assisted living facility is a complex one. For some, it is a chosen, practical step towards a simpler, more supported lifestyle. For others, it feels like an unchosen loss of independence and home.
Family A (Chosen Shift): For Jean and Robert, both in their early eighties in Halifax, the decision to move into a retirement community was a practical and positive choice. Their children had grown and moved away, and maintaining their large house was becoming a burden. The move was a logistical simplification—a way to reduce stress and focus on enjoying their retirement. They chose a vibrant community that offered social activities, excellent meals, and health support, allowing them to "live better, not bigger."
Family B (Unchosen Weight): For Samuel, an 85-year-old widower in Ottawa, the move was forced by a decline in his health. He had lived in his home for over 50 years, and the loss of his independence and his community was devastating. He felt he was losing his identity. His grief was profound.
How They Found Their Way Forward:
For Jean and Robert: They embraced their new community. They chose to focus on the positive aspects—the social opportunities, the lack of home maintenance, and the proximity to health care. They approached the move with a sense of curiosity and adventure.
For Samuel: Samuel's journey was harder. He allowed himself to grieve the loss of his home and his independence. He worked with a social worker through the Veterans Affairs Canada, which provided him with counselling and support. He also found a small group of veterans in the retirement home with whom he could share his experiences and find camaraderie. He learned that it was okay to feel sad.
The Outcome: Both couples found their way forward. Jean and Robert thrived in their new environment, while Samuel gradually found a new community. The key difference was their starting point—one transition was chosen, the other was not—but both found meaning and connection.
These scenarios illustrate a fundamental truth: change, whether chosen or unchosen, is always a process. It involves adaptation, grief, and ultimately, growth. The goal is not to avoid the pain or pretend it does not exist, but to find a way to move through it with self-compassion and connection.
Finding Your Way Forward
Whether your transition was chosen or unchosen, the path forward is rarely a straight line. There will be good days and hard days. There will be moments of clarity and moments of confusion. You do not have to have it all figured out.
What matters is that you are moving, even if slowly. That you are reaching out, even if tentatively. That you are allowing yourself to feel, even when it is uncomfortable.
Because the goal of navigating transition is not to "get over it" or "move on" quickly. The goal is to adapt in ways that allow you to carry what you have learned while also making space for new possibility.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And sometimes, love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
REFERENCE SOURCES:
Canadian Mental Health Association Grieving
Canadian Mental Health Association The Healing Power of Community
Statistics Canada Selected characteristics to loss of a job or income, feelings of loneliness or isolation, and physical health problems
