Having Trouble Connecting with your Teen?
7 Emotionally Bonding Questions for Parents
Do you find it difficult to talk with your teen?
Maybe you're attempting to chat with them and get them to open up to you. Does it sound something like this?
YOU: “How was school today?” THEM: Not looking up from their phone…“Fine.”
YOU: “That’s it?” THEM: Still not looking up from the phone… “I said everything was FINE!”
YOU: “What’s wrong with you?” THEM: They look up from their phone and shout… “OMG! I told you… NOTHING’S WRONG! EVERYTHING IS FINE! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY!”
For the majority of parents, developing an emotional bond with our children is natural... and easy. When our kids are young they WANT to spend time with us, but when they enter the tween and teen years, that ‘connection’ we felt in their younger years starts to change. As parents we start to feel like they don’t WANT to be around us anymore. But is that true?
Sometimes, as parents, we forget that because we don’t have to “physically” take care of our teenagers that they don’t need us anymore. However, no matter how old they get - and despite how they may protest - kids still have emotional needs and want much more from their parents than they would have you believe.
So, how do you get your teen to open up to you? Here are 7 emotionally bonding questions you can ask to strengthen the relationship with your teenager.
Question 1: How are you feeling?
Although it may seem obvious and simple, by asking this question, you may provide many opportunities to build a more sincere bond with your child than simply saying, "How was school?”
You are telling them that it is okay for them to feel their "feelings" and "emotions" by asking them about their "feelings" and "emotions."
Informing them that you have noticed they seem a little sad may help them feel better.
Never ask, "What's wrong?" assuming there is a problem. Instead, let them express their emotions freely. Remind them that you are always available to them and that you have created a space free from criticism where they are free to tell you anything without fear of reprisal.
If they do open up to you, make sure you listen to understand rather than to react and offer solutions.
Question 2: Would you like some advice?
How many times has your teen come to you to tell you about a ‘problem’ they are having (big or small) and your first instinct is to ‘come up with a solution’ or ‘fix it’ for them?
We tend to believe that since they came to us for assistance, that means we should make it ‘all better’. But if you see that your child needs help or direction, ask them if it’s okay that you give your advice. Don’t just force your opinions down their throat.
For example, “Oh man, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I am here for you. I love you. Would you like to know what I would do in this situation?”
And if they don’t want that, then leave it. Them knowing that you are there for them is sometimes enough to be able to navigate through that difficult circumstance.
Question 3: What would you like to do with me today?
Even though your tween or teen may roll their eyes at you… it would mean the world to them if you spent MORE time with them.
Even if it is only 15 minutes. However, the important distinction here is making sure that time is spent intentionally doing something THEY love or are interested in.
For example, are they really into video games? Ask them to show you how to play. Are they fans of Anime? Ask them if you can watch an episode with them.
Question 4: What happened today that made you ______?
The blank is filled by you. By asking your child open-ended questions, which do not have a clear-cut "yes" or "no" answer, you can encourage them to consider their response rather of simply saying "NO."
The key is that you care. You put down your phone. You let them know you have the time to listen. You want to know what they did and how they felt. If they were mistreated, you are interested to know. You want to be sure they feel secure. If they were celebrated, you are interested to know. You want to be sure that they feel a sense of accomplishment to build their self-esteem and confidence.
Your kids need to know you're concerned about them, even with the smallest, most unimportant, and occasionally absurd details of their adolescent lives.
Question 5: What are you thankful or grateful for today?
Kids in western society are, regrettably, very aware of what they lack and completely clueless of what they have.
How then can we bring up children who are thankful and content? It's critical that you assist them in recognizing the positive aspects of their life along with asking the questions that make for effective discussion starters. You can ask them daily for what they are grateful for, in addition to modelling gratitude and contentment for them by acting in those ways yourself.
The older the child, the more difficult this becomes. Even more reason to have these discussions with children early on.
Question 6: Is there anything you want to tell me that might be hard to say?
Why not encourage your tween or adolescent to come to you with their problems rather than keeping them hidden? You must extend them grace in order to achieve that. Reward them instead of punishing them if they open up to you about something delicate that was difficult for them to discuss.
Saying "that must have been be hard to say" acknowledges that someone might have difficulty saying it, and that's fine. They need assurance that you won't judge or criticize them for sharing their darkest and most intimate thoughts with you.
Question 7: Is there anything I could be doing better?
Accepting that you won't always have the answers is another aspect of parenting.
It's crucial that you try your hardest to learn, comprehend, and put all you learn into practice so that you can better relate to your children. When you offer your kids opportunities to safely express their feelings and communicate openly with you about what YOU could be doing better as a parent, you let them know that you care about how they feel. You let them know that you care enough to really listen to what they have to say.
But the most important thing to do is take what you have learned from your kids and act upon it!
As parents, we just want our kids to be healthy and happy. Of course we do.
We want to protect them. We want to protect them from struggles, hurt feelings, heartbreak, failure and fear. However, as parents, we have the duty to guide our kids through these difficult experiences and emotions, in addition to setting an example of what a ‘healthy’ person looks like.
In that sense, our kids don’t require a hero to intervene or protect them from every perilous situation. Instead, we need to provide a secure environment where they can express their feelings, struggles, and emotions. Parents need give their teens the opportunity to fail while helping them to identify what nourishes their well-being.
They require a secure environment to be themselves as well as a shepherd to help them navigate any difficult feelings or situations they may encounter and provide them the coping mechanisms they need to deal with their emotions.
Now, sometimes, it is best for teenagers to ask an adult who isn’t a parent for advice. Don’t take it personally. In fact, allowing a mentor or other healthy adults in your child's life, like a counsellor, may be the best option for your child, yourself and your entire family.
At the end of the day, emotionally connecting with your teen on a deeper level is sometime more difficult then you would like it to be, but as a parent it is crucial that you make it clear that your kid(s) can share their hearts with you - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and you will always love them, no matter what.
Whatever it is, we’re here for you.
Life is uncertain. Jobs are stressful. Parenting is hard. Relationships take work. Families can be dysfunctional. And, sometimes love hurts. When you’re confronted by feelings, events, or issues that are making your life challenging, it’s okay to ask for some help.
